there's so much i want to say.

a ridiculous amount, but i don't have enough energy and time to slow my thoughts down.

i should work on this.

"No more questions. No more answers. No more godtalk. Go and love. No more detached discussions of Scripture interpretation, no more using religion (or Jesus!) as a way to avoid or dismiss the actual men and women who are in our lives. Something is going on, and I am told that I can get in on it. No, I am in fact told, 'Get in on it!'"
- Eugene Peterson.




This has been ringing true in my spirit for a little bit. Especially having returned back to Zion and being around theological discussions around the clock. Some of it, for myself, has been a good thing. It has opened (or, re-opened) my eyes and allowed my spirit to be formed again. It is a different atmosphere outside the walls of a theological institution; especially where I work in an educational institution. It doesn't give much room for anything to grow spirituality; but rather, it does give a place in my life for the things I have learned to be put to use. Finding the holy in a common place, I'd suppose.

Anyways. Having been on both sides of the spectrum these days, I am seeing more and more the futility, or the danger of becoming so immersed in our theological debates. Was it calvinism or arminiasm that's going to save the church? Are we singing a song too much; what do we prefer, hymns or choruses? The comeback of hymns is a great thing, and should be discussed in great measure, I am sure. But today I was reminded, via a story of a child who was abused that there is much more out there than what we fill our crazed minds with. Granted, conversations between believers is important, but it can run our lives... and in turn, we can begin to ignore the issues that lie before us. It's shaky ground to be on, and something we need to be careful of.

And really, that is all. Not to say that I have this under

"If you would ask the Desert Fathers why solitude gives birth to compassion, they would say, 'Because it makes us die to our neighbor.' At first this answer seems quite disturbing to a modern mind. But when we give it a closer look we can see that in order to be of service to others we have to die to them; that is, we have to give up measuring our meaning and value with the yardstick of others. To die to our neighbors means to stop judging them, to stop evaluating them, and thus to become free to compassionate. Compassion can never coexist with judgment because judgment creates the distance, the distinction, which prevents us from really being with each other."
- Nouwen.

"watch me Savior, or I die."

Typical fall day here in Massachusetts. It's crazy to think the last time I wrote, I was on the west coast. I remember it very well where I was when I wrote that. Definitely had windows open, sitting in bed, listening to the streets of LA. And now, a few months later, I am sitting at the table at Starbucks, rainy afternoon, and a good 54 degrees. Nothing like it.

I picked up a few books today at the bookstore. Thanks to my teacher discount, I saved $25, too. Can't complain really. Nouwen, Lewis and Peterson. Three authors that I could read for life, and the majority of my library consists of. Whilst listening to hymns, this day is turning out just perfect. Is it a bad thing that I love this part of my life? I am not sure what I would do if I didn't enjoy reading, or just sitting in a coffee shop. What I would do if I had no idea of this love from my Savior... yet, all I know is a drop in the ocean in comparison to its fullness.

"O Love of God, how rich and pure
It shall forevermore endure.
How measureless and strong
The saint and angel's song, we sing:
Holy, holy."

Not even Scripture, yet those words breathe a truth that will never go out.

Anyways, I picked up a book called "The Inner Voice of Love," by Nouwen. It is ripping my heart apart. I opened it up to this:

"Do not tell everyone your story. You will only end up feeling more rejected. People cannot give you what you long for in your heart... Cling to that naked promise in faith. Your faith will heal you."

The promise of God. The ultimate promise, first off, that He is faithful to what He says. But it is one thing to be faithful, I suppose, on your word.

There are people who are mean, and faithful to their "meanness." Get it? Being faithful doesn't necessarily make you a hero. I suppose "faithful" never carries a negative stigma, but in actuality... it could. God is faithful to His WORD. His promises. Nouwen puts it like this:

"Before you die, you will find the acceptance and the love you crave. It will not come in the way you expect. It will not follow your needs and wishes. But it will fill your heart and satisfy your deepest desire. There is nothing else to hold on to but this promise."

How beautiful. I mean, Nouwen goes deep into other issues... our need to feel accepted, and how when we expect things from people it is because sometimes, of all the things we do for THEM that we expect the same in return... but when we love with a boundary, meaning... not always being at their beck and call (especially if it is never returned) we then understand the frailty of man and their inability to truly fulfill our desires. Because when someone declines our request, we take it as rejection in some form, because ultimately we feel like they cannot make time for us.

It's all so true, and a bit painful to realize.

Tearing the layers off and really seeing us for who we really are is not an easy task. However, He sees us like THAT. While seeing us like that, He still refers to us as beloved. I will never understand this. I don't know that we were meant to understand it.