i wish i had more time to write. i think tomorrow, after i babysit, i'm going to find my favorite spot at starbucks, order a drink in a CERAMIC MUG, and just write. i feel like my head is cluttered with so much of my thoughts. i felt compelled today in church to start journaling again. i haven't journaled in quite sometime. blogging is different to me. i am writing with SOME intention of a reader. let's be honest. our words are tainted, even if by the slightest. journaling between me and Jesus is probably some of the ugliest things anyone could see or read. i'd rather be painfully honest with the Lord, because sometimes, even my prayers are through a clouded window. i don't want anything between the Father and myself. the stripping has begun. like pulling a bandaid off, it is starting to hurt. but i truthfully hear and believe the Lord saying, "this is the path. now walk in it."

it is funny when we follow the path that the Lord has for us, there is nothing that stands in between. it is clear. there is nothing that gets in my way when i go the way he has told me. i mean, there are temptations, etc. but there is no closing of doors. does that make sense... ? see. there is so much going on. i am reading such wonderful books and chapters of the OT lately. i love it. but it's like, i don't have time to write all this down. the Lord is giving me opportunity to sing about his love over people. it's beautiful.

yet, all this is nothing, in comparison to knowing him. man. i need that as a constant reminder.

a co worker of mine said today, "I really don't think I know what I'm doing in my life. I work here, etc." and the conversation went on and on. he asked for my opinion, and what I thought considering that statement. my best advice was, "I don't think any of us know where we are going and what we are doing."

seriously, take my vision, God.

I felt a little bit of freedom in that statement. more on that to come.

I tried entering the world of facebook again, but for me, personally, it is just not worth it.

I don't mean to come across as a hyper faith psycho who says you can't do this and that, etc. Facebook DOES serve a purpose. Its original intention is to keep people connected, etc. I am all about this.

Humanity is extremely addictive, though. Our personalities are just that- addictive. We find something we like, and go full force with it. Maybe I am just speaking of myself. I just see facebook (now that I was gone for about 3 weeks) as a huge distraction and waste of time. Twitter is almost up there, but I find it more informative and less petty. Yeah, it's funnier sometimes, and sarcastic, but there is not so much crap on it to keep you roped in.

Anyways. I don't know. The Lord is doing something in me right now. I can't really pin point it. Things that I once loved (alright, Facebook, you can't be the receiver of all my love, but I will admit... it was an addictive relationship, haha) - things I once loved, God is putting a weird taste in my mouth for. I'm waiting for Starbucks to be the next one... haha. It kinda needs to happen soon. My wallet will not be as forgiving. (:

This blog was kinda useless. I just needed a place to vent a little. I am using crest white strips, and so while I wait for 30 minutes, I figured blogging would help. Drinking so much black tea and coffee has truly given my teeth a run for their money.

My hiding place
My safe refuge
My treasure, Lord, you are
My friend and King,
Anointed One, Most holy

I will exalt you, you are my God
Because you're with me, I will not fear

thank you, Brooke Fraser, for bringing to light, the timeless truth that casts out all fear. His love is honest and true.

Light in this broken land.

As I texted Danny today a message of, "I think God is working in my heart, because I am sincerely beginning to enjoy United Live." Haha. Truth be known, Carla has never really been apart of the United team. In fact, many a conversations I have lent my anti-United vibe numerous times; whether asked for or not. To say that I was brainwashed is a pretty heavy term, but I definitely wasn't listening or reading the lyrics that this band was writing. In my eyes, they were overplayed; overwritten; overselling-new-CDs; etc. I grew up listening to Hillsong (good ol' Everyday, it's you I live for) Ring a bell? The infamous, "Jesus, you are my bestfriend..." the list goes on and on. This has nothing to do with this blog that I am setting out to write. I simply am in a slight state of awe. I still pay my respects to IHOP, Misty Edwards, Jason Upton, etc. In fact, most of us do without realizing it. John Mark McMillan, etc. Jesus Culture has basically taken many of their songs, and kicked them into high gear. A little bit of me gets angry when people love to sing "Where You Go, I'll Go" when Brian and Jenn Johnson were the first ones to write/sing it, etc. But! I believe Five Iron Frenzy said once, "being popular is lame... but you're the one who made them popular; all their songs are still the same." Ultimately, the underground worshippers do make that worship popular - it's bound to get out. Then again, "popular worship" is such a touchy title. What constitutes as popular when the ears that receive this worship really could care less, and I'm sure if asked, probably would rather us not title worship as 'popular' and 'unpopular.'

Anyway. A little debriefing. What has been on my heart, as of lately, is this idea of overcoming. I can't remember for the life of me where I saw this recently (it was somewhere on TV) but the commercial had some sort of line, "overcome ____ in days!" When I heard this, immediately I began to realize that humanity at large, is really just looking for ways to overcome stuff. Everything. Overcome your weight; overcome your 'winter blues,' overcome your marriage; overcome this, overcome that. When in reality, believers know this (and the opposite have yet to find out) that every single thing that we would strive to overcome, has been overcome. He overcame this all.

Victory is found in His hands. Victory is the Lord's. Often referred to as our victorious warrior - he fights for us. There are things in my life that in my own strength, are impossible to put down. Impossible. Especially when they become a thing of the will. When I try with "all my will power" to put something down, the will becomes the driving force and the thing that which I lean on. My will power can and will not save me nor my problems. But this is the trend we like to follow.

We were practicing "Overcome" in practice tonight, and just hearing the words over and over again. "Savior, awesome in power forever, awesome and great is your name - for you overcame." For you overcame. It's done. OVERCAME. past tense. If I did a greek study on where this word is used in Revelation, I'm sure it'd be sick. I'm way tired to do that now though.

I don't know. I just began to think about this a lot. We are always in a constant state of trying to overcome stuff in our lives, when it has already been overcome. I do understand that it is easier said than done, but faith is challenging. Faith can be slightly offensive. His love offends... we think we love someone, and He says, "yeah? I love them more."

Where our lives meet, it is messy and crazy, yet peaceful as a river.

If I don't have love, I have profited nothing.

While I never use this blog as a post to speak on certain events, I do feel compelled after having read a man who is far more intelligent than I, and his comments on the infamous quote given by none other than the Sunday morning Crystal Cathedral Hour of Power man himself, Pat Robertson. There probably wasn't one Sunday morning that went by in our house, while we all got ready for church growing up, that the Hour of Power didn't debut itself. I feel like if I time warped back to 1998, or maybe even earlier, I could walk blindfolded through a Sunday morning, and remember how many clicks the remote had to do to get to the channel, usually because the night before was some form of nickelodeon. Keenan and Kel, All That, etc. Am I aging myself? Probably.

Anyway, the comment that the reason behind all this earthquaking, according to Pat, is due to the people of Haiti giving their souls to the devil back in the day. The comment by itself, or aided with some reason, should throw anyone into a panic. A man with as much experience as he has, should not readily have such a comment in his forefront, but let us take into consideration the "old school" that he holds his attendance with.

Perhaps he could sit alongside the preachers that would rather yell and scream and rhyme words in their sermons, rather than sitting down in a local coffee shop and explain the deep truths of our theology. When I was a child, the preachers who yelled and screamed kept my attention - to the fullest. Rightfully so - a child loves to be entertained. However, as I got older, and was able to search the Scriptures out on my own, and then attending Bible college, where my love for exegesis grew and grew, and I realized that author's opinions and commentary on Scripture, when taken in stride and careful consideration, are amazing tools that we have been given.

It is here that I realized it is a matter of the heart that we deal with as Christians, and ultimately, we are not God so only He knows the human heart. I guess we have a little in on it, because the Bible explains that the human heart is ultimately wicked. Anything good in us is from Him, and apart from Him, we have nothing. Throughout Paul's writings, he explains in great detail, and in more ways than one, that all his knowledge, experience, etc. is considered worthless when in comparison to who Christ is. His main goal was to know Christ, and Christ crucified.

Pat Robertson may have had speech that was quite eloquent in his prime, and we like to think the same of ourselves. Paul is clear that, "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." (1 Corinthians 13:1 NASB)

Our first reaction is to go crazy, I understand. Especially because our name is somehow, on the line, when such a comment is made, because obviously, we are all the same thinkers and hold the same opinions with those who are in the Pastoral TV Hall-o-fame. That was sarcastic.

Rather than us rally our troops and fight hate with ignorance (because that has never worked), let us realize that we are not God. Any misfortunate, if any, is not in our hands. That whole, "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone" thing really is true. We are well on our way to sounding like a drum kit that is being played by an inexperienced five year old if we continue harsh comments towards Pat. Haiti has met crisis face to face. Even if for a twenty-four hour period, the devil would be stoked if we turned our attention off praying for these people, to being tenacious in our "disgust" for Pat Robertson. It's a win/win for the devil if this is the case.

I'm an extreme passivist, so I never mean to come across as not caring, but demeaning words coming from people of faith never sits well with me.

two full years ago, i wrote this:

"...a tall tuxedo mocha in a grande cup with extra whip. amen. except when it's not made by jameson, tim, allen or montana and not surrounded by christal, jess, drew, or anyone else that i frequent starbucks with... it's kind of not the same."

i feel the same way, even today, two years later.