a few months ago, i wrote in a journal that my heart was being awakened. not by the love of man, but by the love of God. and i wonder, from time to time, where this goes.
hi, i'm carla. nice to meet you. i have a love/ hate relationship with online journaling because sometimes we feel like we need to put on some sort of mask, because... what if i talk about something that offends? when in reality, i guess that defeats the whole purpose of online journaling. my thoughts are hardly ever coherent, but i do like to think that someone, somewhere, finds them interesting. even if on a surface level. i think if i could get my words straight when we talk face to face, people would understand me better. words are words. you never know how i'm saying this, but it's alright. interpretation is how we live, without even realizing it, so what makes this any different? :)
i'm in memphis, TN right now. their beloved, little airport. i went to springfield, missouri this weekend, to sort of gain a better perspective on my life. anthropologists say that the best way to understand yourself is to immerse yourself into something totally different. i'm a huge believer of this because whenever i go places, i learn more about myself. the thought, honestly, about moving 1500 miles away from home to a place that i don't know anyone legitimately, almost scared me this weekend. you forget how far away fields and open skies are from the busy streets of haverhill, massachusetts and the calamity of boston.
i'm always itching to leave, because new england can get so small sometimes. i was thrown into the open skies this weekend, and i'm not sure i'm ready for it. there are people that i absolutely love seeing everyday. granted, i'm graduating, so i won't be seeing them everyday after may 2nd. but still... knowing that you are a 45 minute drive, is so much nicer than being a 3 hour flight. i like that about massachusetts and where i live. if i want to see you, i'll just drive.
anyway. my heart. i wonder when it decided to take a sleep after last semester. every semester is different to me. it's colored differently. some are brighter, some are blinding, some are gray, some are what they are. some take twists that i didn't expect, but that's usually because of something i've done. i always find that there is a love to be sought after.
i mean, there is always the Love. that Love longs to be sought after. and it to us, i believe. but why is there always a seeming love always lingering in their air? not the love that only happens on valentine's day. but this unending search that we are put ourselves on in life? the one where we want those eyes to match ours? the pursuit? the chase. that one voice that you miss to hear. that smile that you know no one else has. the little characteristics they have that no one else does. and then that just... disappears. i'm not sure i understand.
i've become so used to this.
it's a weird cycle my life takes on. i find something wonderful, somewhere in the midst of it, i get used to it being around. i have a lose grip on life. and then... it departs. almost without asking me. i'm not sure i understand. i don't want to accept this way of life, but it's almost as if life doesn't ask me any questions.
and now, being in this airport... pretty far away from home, i see all these faces. everyone's just walking, with some sort of destination in mind. whether it be starbucks, or a terminal, or family/friends, or something. my mind is doing circles.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. You will find rest for your souls."
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