"you're really beautiful, by the way."

I feel like I'm cheating on Starbucks.

I'm sitting, in Mass Ave, in Peet's Coffee. Seriously, I feel like I've divorced my lover without them knowing it. Even though Starbucks is right next door. Isn't that how life is anyway? We do things blatantly in front of the other, thinking they don't notice. Oh, but they do. Our motives are never hidden, even to those who we think are not looking. I wonder, where, in the midst of life, we think we've fooled the other. If we open ourselves to certain individuals, we are opening ourselves to their interpretation, which sometimes can be truer than our own. I haven't really gotten used to this yet, but I'm realizing it more and more that I can tell you what you'll do before you do it. Yet, every action I take on myself, I find myself surprised. What gives?

Anyways. Like I said, I have a love/hate relationship with these journals. The last time I wrote was in March! If you were a real person, oh how you would be so far out the door. Thankfully, nothing ever comes of these, haha. But yeah, a lot has happened since March 2009. I have graduated, I've attended senior events, I have been challenged with opportunities and people. Some that I have brought on myself, and some just barged in without really asking me if I wanted them.

Sitting here, the windows face the street and there was a man who was ordering behind me, and I could tell he was looking at me. Probably because I'm wearing a sweet v-neck, haha. And, I do have a stellar tan, which looks fake, but I promise you, it was just last week that I was basking in the sunshine of Lahaina, Maui. Oh, Maui... my beautiful little island that I call home. Anyways, so yeah. I was sitting here by myself, and as he walked out saying goodbye to the baristas here, he looked at me and said, "you are really beautiful, by the way."

I'm pretty awkward when it comes to that, and within seconds he was already out the door, so I just gave him a cheap smile and said thank you. Nothing ever really comes from that stuff anyway, but I didn't really want to hear that from him to begin with. I don't know you. Probably will never see you again. Ba!

There's a lot of tourists today; a big bus got bussed into town and I can see them all with their "Lexington Tour" bags. It's funny living in a tourist town because you usually meet a lot of different people, especially in the summer. I always wonder why people would tour Lexington. We have a big green field where the battle of Lexington and Concord took place, and really, other than that, we have over priced stores, banks and coffee shops.

I'm trying to figure out the next step of my life.

Hello, is anyone there? It's kind of like you're calling this number, and no one picks up! But you keep calling, in hopes that perhaps someone is going to pick up.

I have four churches looking for worship leader positions.

I just had an interview yesterday for the Lexington Public Schools.

I am sending my resume to Zion, because God knows that I love Zion.

The easiest thing would be to work at Zion, yet... would it be so bad if God really DID give me the desire of my heart? His word is clear about this.

Then again, I don't know. I don't know really what to do, because I have never had so many choices. For the past four years, it's been, "Here Carla, here's your schedule. Be in the chapel at 9:00am for returning students."

I'm not a returning student anymore. What?

Friendships have fallen from my hands.

I don't really understand it all, and I wish I could. "Oh Carla, you're being dramatic."

I'm pretty sure that I'm not. I don't fight, though. If I fight, I feel like I'm being desperate. Then again, I want what I want. But I don't want what I had once without effort.

"Hatred starts fights, but love pulls a quilt over the bickering."