i love when things are awakened in me. ultimately, the first love in all of us. when this is awakened, it's as if the darkness never existed. in reality, i suppose that is the whole point of God and his love. to enable us to forget the past, in some sort of way. i don't know that we ever FORGET, but the sting of death has no victory in our lives, as a result of this wonderful love.

on another level, though, i really love reading. the present day theologians/philosophers (if you will). cs lewis is such a favorite of mine, despite the fact that i have to read the pages 2 times over before i actually grasp what he is writing, and even then... it is questionable. haha. but i really do love it. he offers such a different spin on a lot of things that i think on a normal level.

the weight of glory is probably one (for me at least) of his most difficult reads, because he really extracts ideas that are, again, so simple, but he adds about 10 ft of depth to them. the very idea that before i can ENJOY something, i really have to work at it, to be able to observe and notice my enjoyment for it. and he parallels this with salvation. and how we are in some way, taught that working for our salvation (not like, BY works, but working to understand it) is not all bad. we should not do this to get something in return, but in reality, how am i going to know WHAT i am enjoying if i don't SEARCH it out? makes a little sense.

life.

far too often, i am reminded of the danger of thinking that we have life under control. we can choose to walk through life in a constant state of jealousy, anger, bitter towards others, shrug our shoulders and continue on. we can attach ourselves to all these emotions, but in reality, the truth is, is that NONE of that is going to help us in anyway possible. life throws unexpected curve balls. unexpected is just that: catching you off guard. it's difficult to see what's coming when our eyes are on other things. we are called to be ready. not only for his returning, but to be alert to those things around us. to not just live surface level lives, but to actually involve the fibers of our being into whatever it is that we have set before us. whether this be people or actions; work, whatever. to open our eyes and to see what is beautifully set before us, takes more effort than to just sit back and watch life carry on.

i have experienced (and i am sure i will continue to experience) things in life where prayer really is what gets me through. midnight hour evenings where you just wait for the first peak of sunlight to show up, to assure you that a new day as arrived.

i've been there. more than i'd like to say that i have, but i have. God was there the whole time, maybe weeping over the fact that i doubted him. maybe weeping over the fact that i was blinded by situations and people, so much that i didn't even see what was right in front of me. God cares about us. for us to live life, rooting ourselves in the emotions of humanity, almost seems trite. the world wounds us. people wound us. i wound people. people wound me. sometimes, i'd like to say without me knowing it, but honesty stands: sometimes, we are very aware of our actions. what does this prove?

the insufficiency of the world we live in. to place expectations on people and situations that we, even ourselves, cannot fulfill, seems ridiculous. yet, we do it every day. we attach ourselves so badly to people and things, to the point where we are convinced that it is THEY that bring us happiness, and we strive to keep that one thing in our grasp. it has tricked us into thinking we need it, because so many good vibes and memories spring off that one thing.

when it is taken away, it is easy to convince yourself, "this is just a passing thing. everything will return to normal soon." but sometimes, it is not like this.

in recent events, i never once told myself, "carla, everything will be alright in the end. it has to." no. i said, "carla, the season is up. don't fool yourself. let it go and walk away." i walked away, but not without being bitter. or confused, angry, etc. i still prayed for restoration, but i had no idea if that was even God's will. it was mine, i know.

and then, restoration happens. pride falls. love covers. and no one can understand it. i can't understand it. so quickly, i can feel normalcy enter my life again.

but my eyes cannot drift. keep them on you, Father.

this is why i love this guy.

there are things in my life that are so fragile to the touch. intricately woven. created in such a way that i had no handle on them, and if i did, they would not be what they are today. the possibility of these which are so fragile is endless. it is beautiful to behold, or at least, attempt to behold. and without revealing too much, i am more than okay with this being like this.