life.

far too often, i am reminded of the danger of thinking that we have life under control. we can choose to walk through life in a constant state of jealousy, anger, bitter towards others, shrug our shoulders and continue on. we can attach ourselves to all these emotions, but in reality, the truth is, is that NONE of that is going to help us in anyway possible. life throws unexpected curve balls. unexpected is just that: catching you off guard. it's difficult to see what's coming when our eyes are on other things. we are called to be ready. not only for his returning, but to be alert to those things around us. to not just live surface level lives, but to actually involve the fibers of our being into whatever it is that we have set before us. whether this be people or actions; work, whatever. to open our eyes and to see what is beautifully set before us, takes more effort than to just sit back and watch life carry on.

i have experienced (and i am sure i will continue to experience) things in life where prayer really is what gets me through. midnight hour evenings where you just wait for the first peak of sunlight to show up, to assure you that a new day as arrived.

i've been there. more than i'd like to say that i have, but i have. God was there the whole time, maybe weeping over the fact that i doubted him. maybe weeping over the fact that i was blinded by situations and people, so much that i didn't even see what was right in front of me. God cares about us. for us to live life, rooting ourselves in the emotions of humanity, almost seems trite. the world wounds us. people wound us. i wound people. people wound me. sometimes, i'd like to say without me knowing it, but honesty stands: sometimes, we are very aware of our actions. what does this prove?

the insufficiency of the world we live in. to place expectations on people and situations that we, even ourselves, cannot fulfill, seems ridiculous. yet, we do it every day. we attach ourselves so badly to people and things, to the point where we are convinced that it is THEY that bring us happiness, and we strive to keep that one thing in our grasp. it has tricked us into thinking we need it, because so many good vibes and memories spring off that one thing.

when it is taken away, it is easy to convince yourself, "this is just a passing thing. everything will return to normal soon." but sometimes, it is not like this.

in recent events, i never once told myself, "carla, everything will be alright in the end. it has to." no. i said, "carla, the season is up. don't fool yourself. let it go and walk away." i walked away, but not without being bitter. or confused, angry, etc. i still prayed for restoration, but i had no idea if that was even God's will. it was mine, i know.

and then, restoration happens. pride falls. love covers. and no one can understand it. i can't understand it. so quickly, i can feel normalcy enter my life again.

but my eyes cannot drift. keep them on you, Father.