The blog. The infamous weird word that I still have no idea why it is used to describe an online journal.

Back in the day when there were xangas, livejournals (only the cool scene kids had these... proud to say, mine was "emocarla.") HA. I had another one called livejournal.com/users/bleedingheartkid. BLEEDING HEART KID? lyrics from alkaline trio. Affectionately referred to as "Alk3." I am tempted now to download some of their stuff, cause the majority of what I have is all on tape. Mixtapes.

Although, their lyrics are so dark, haha. Still, I remember loving them. I think I loved all that music because in someway, quite twisted and perverted (not in a gross way; but in reality, any way other than Christ is more less perverse, so...) that music somehow made me feel. Oooh, the teenage angst. I do not remember ever being so in touch with my emotions more than when I used to listen to that music. Does that make sense? The opposite does not so much "numb" who I am, but I still have yet to find the 16 year old Carla who has not existed since I entered college. We grow up, yes. But in someways, I feel like I have cashed a little of who I am (was) in for someone else, who is who I am today. Nothing bad, obviously. Haha, well, that is debatable. It is just different. Never forget where you came from, are some wise words.

This wasn't what I wanted to write on though. Not even close. What has been zooming around my head for a few weeks is the idea of my approach to God. I am not sure that I can articulate exactly how I feel, because whenever I try, the words fall so short, that my original idea is not even executed remotely how I wanted. I am still driven by motives.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

Do I remain pure in my heart because I know that's what gets me to see God? Songs that I sing, I am not even sure I believe. Alright, I BELIEVE them, but my life is far from a perfect reflection of who He is and what His love is. I feel like I live my life 5 seconds too late. I'll say something or react to something, and literally 5 seconds later think, "if only I could redo those last 10 seconds and say it differently." How do I ultimately achieve pureness and all that, GENUINELY, while seeking the face of God?

"..worship in spirit and in truth."
"their hearts are far from me..."

I am dipping a toe in the pool of thought where maybe God did not even WANT worship to be what it is that we made it out to be. The ultimate worshiper that He longs for is not one that sings songs and has no clue. The ultimate worshiper is not the one who freaks out about chords are 'as written' and a perfect three part harmony.

Jesus was the ultimate worshiper and not only did He not have a CD, but He was not a worship leader! His LIFE was the ultimate offering... even in the midst of not wanting to do it. I am reading Henri Nouwen's, "Can You Drink the Cup?" and all it talks about is that moment in the garden when Christ says to the Father in basic terms: I don't really want to drink this cup, but ultimately, it's your will that must be done." Drinking the cup to us, Nouwen writes, has so many different spins and meanings. He talks about us accepting what has been given to us, and fulfilling what Christ would want to see, but for some, this is a difficult task.

Were songs and whatnot really apart of worship... ? Jason Upton says it so sweet when he says, "Nothing we say worships the Lord like our trust in Him." I so believe that. I believe more than songs that I sing, that how I treat a brother or a sister speaks more of my worship than repeating a chorus. And that's pretty ugly! There are COUNTLESS times that I jack up. COUNTLESS. In fact, today alone, I could give you a good hand full.

But, "blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

The human heart is so wicked, which is why we truly are in need of a love that never fails. A grace beyond reason, because ultimately, what Christ came to do on Earth makes NO SENSE, to love a people who more often than not, ignore the very God who gave them what is in front of them. Yet, before we could even know Him, He loved us and knew us.

I feel like (well, I know) there is so much about God that I do not know. I know His grace in relation to what I have done and experienced, and that is just one life.

I will not forget your promises.

what a definite thing to say to God.

"i will not forget your promises."

there is so much i feel like i need to be aware of, and awakened to. it's crazy. there is so much to our heavenly father. so much about him that i do not know, and the many different ways i learn about him through the human mind. through my thoughts. through reading his word. it's amazing.

"you keep no record of my sin. you don't remember all my shame."

oh, that that grace would be awakened in me. to understand that my past is my past.

God, that you would grant me an ounce of that grace with my relationships, on a horizontal level.

"God is urging me to come home, to enter into his light, and to discover there that, in God, all people are uniquely and completely loved. In the light of God I can finally see my neighbor as my brother, as the one who belongs as much to God as I do. But outside of God's house, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, lovers and friends become rivals and even enemies; each perpetually plagued by jealousies, suspicions, and resentments." - Henri Nouwen, the return of the prodigal son.

this burns in me as of late. nouwen is not scripture and not even inspired by the holy spirit. he is a man, just like anyone else. they are his thoughts; though rooted deep in scripture, they are NOT scripture. but, if what he alludes to is true. i have been living outside of the house of God for some time. well, not for always. i think, in this illustration, i hang outside the house a lot. you know... ? i'll come in when i need to, and when i think that i've got it (i don't know that we will ever reach a place of "getting it") i leave. and continue this vicious cycle of whatever it is that you wanna call it.

dear God. i was not meant to live outside of this home. make your home in me, yes. but God, keep me with you. i don't even want to stray close to you. i want to be with you. walk and do what you do. be a person of few words so that what i do say, God, may it be from you.

"i know i can trust in your love."

"Why have we lost, or neglected, the ability to disciple the mind for Christ? In part, it may be that we have confused the need for childlike faith (that is, an attitude of profound trust in God, and a faithful love for Him) with childish thinking. The apostle Paul, for one, had no confusing on this point. Reading any one of his epistles will show you that. And even Peter - the everyday workman, the fisherman - was no intellectual slouch, judging by his writings. What we have, everywhere in scripture, are profoundly intelligent teachings poured out from minds that are also inspired and centered in a love for God."

- Love Your God with All Your Mind.

I have momentarily forgotten how much I love this book. I just bought it on kindle for HALF of what I bought it in hard copy. Kindle is the jam. You can highlight stuff, and then go to a section where all the parts you highlighted are categorized. It's so sweet. Cause in real books, I always highlight so much that I can sometimes never find what I'm looking for. You can also write notes on stuff; I love it.

I experienced a lot today at work. Slightly traumatizing. The more and more I work with these children (having it be my 5th year, it never gets old) I am realizing that we can truly never ever pass judgment on anyone. I sat with a student today who literally told me, in between huge breaths and cries, why he would rather be dead than alive. It wasn't a petty dramatic cry either. He was legitimately looking me in the eye saying, "you don't understand. I can't do this anymore." Except with much MUCH more emotion than how I just wrote that.

Autism is such a mystery. I mean, on the other hand, another student of mine, we laughed a lot together today. It's those moments that I try to treasure and really BE THERE for. My mind is somewhere else usually. When we have those moments, though, I try to be there, in them.

Traveling this weekend to NY with some wonderful people. Like I said, I love leading worship. There is something quite beautiful about it. Lord, just let your love do what only it can do.