The blog. The infamous weird word that I still have no idea why it is used to describe an online journal.

Back in the day when there were xangas, livejournals (only the cool scene kids had these... proud to say, mine was "emocarla.") HA. I had another one called livejournal.com/users/bleedingheartkid. BLEEDING HEART KID? lyrics from alkaline trio. Affectionately referred to as "Alk3." I am tempted now to download some of their stuff, cause the majority of what I have is all on tape. Mixtapes.

Although, their lyrics are so dark, haha. Still, I remember loving them. I think I loved all that music because in someway, quite twisted and perverted (not in a gross way; but in reality, any way other than Christ is more less perverse, so...) that music somehow made me feel. Oooh, the teenage angst. I do not remember ever being so in touch with my emotions more than when I used to listen to that music. Does that make sense? The opposite does not so much "numb" who I am, but I still have yet to find the 16 year old Carla who has not existed since I entered college. We grow up, yes. But in someways, I feel like I have cashed a little of who I am (was) in for someone else, who is who I am today. Nothing bad, obviously. Haha, well, that is debatable. It is just different. Never forget where you came from, are some wise words.

This wasn't what I wanted to write on though. Not even close. What has been zooming around my head for a few weeks is the idea of my approach to God. I am not sure that I can articulate exactly how I feel, because whenever I try, the words fall so short, that my original idea is not even executed remotely how I wanted. I am still driven by motives.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

Do I remain pure in my heart because I know that's what gets me to see God? Songs that I sing, I am not even sure I believe. Alright, I BELIEVE them, but my life is far from a perfect reflection of who He is and what His love is. I feel like I live my life 5 seconds too late. I'll say something or react to something, and literally 5 seconds later think, "if only I could redo those last 10 seconds and say it differently." How do I ultimately achieve pureness and all that, GENUINELY, while seeking the face of God?

"..worship in spirit and in truth."
"their hearts are far from me..."

I am dipping a toe in the pool of thought where maybe God did not even WANT worship to be what it is that we made it out to be. The ultimate worshiper that He longs for is not one that sings songs and has no clue. The ultimate worshiper is not the one who freaks out about chords are 'as written' and a perfect three part harmony.

Jesus was the ultimate worshiper and not only did He not have a CD, but He was not a worship leader! His LIFE was the ultimate offering... even in the midst of not wanting to do it. I am reading Henri Nouwen's, "Can You Drink the Cup?" and all it talks about is that moment in the garden when Christ says to the Father in basic terms: I don't really want to drink this cup, but ultimately, it's your will that must be done." Drinking the cup to us, Nouwen writes, has so many different spins and meanings. He talks about us accepting what has been given to us, and fulfilling what Christ would want to see, but for some, this is a difficult task.

Were songs and whatnot really apart of worship... ? Jason Upton says it so sweet when he says, "Nothing we say worships the Lord like our trust in Him." I so believe that. I believe more than songs that I sing, that how I treat a brother or a sister speaks more of my worship than repeating a chorus. And that's pretty ugly! There are COUNTLESS times that I jack up. COUNTLESS. In fact, today alone, I could give you a good hand full.

But, "blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

The human heart is so wicked, which is why we truly are in need of a love that never fails. A grace beyond reason, because ultimately, what Christ came to do on Earth makes NO SENSE, to love a people who more often than not, ignore the very God who gave them what is in front of them. Yet, before we could even know Him, He loved us and knew us.

I feel like (well, I know) there is so much about God that I do not know. I know His grace in relation to what I have done and experienced, and that is just one life.