i was reading old journal notes today. i had something written from jason upton, probably from when i saw him a few summers ago at a church, and he said something that i find super valuable:

what you know, can keep you from what you need to know.

sounds so silly and cliche. and maybe even obvious. of course, bad knowledge keeps you from knowing good knowledge; one belief holds you from another; rumors keep you from the truth. all that. but i really started to think about it, meditate on it.

i've been reading a lot lately. books. great information, and the majority of it is keeping me humble because it is truly bringing to my eyes how little i know. how little i know about God, how he works, his infinite wisdom, and a whole bunch of other stuff.

however, just a few days ago, while on my lunch break, i quickly ran to starbucks downtown, grabbed a white mocha, and read proverbs. the book OF wisdom. holy smokes, is it ever wise. and as i read more and more, i felt like a little kid again, reading something i had never seen before. i even texted a few people in amazement asking if they ever stop and read proverbs. i couldn't even handle it. proverbs 22 was where i camped out for the half hour, and every verse was just overflowing with wisdom.

2 The rich and the poor meet together; the Lord is the maker of them all.

11 He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend.

17 Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge, 18 for it will be pleasant if you keep them within you, if all of them are ready on your lips.


11 and 17 were what hit me hard. he who loves purity of heart. i don't know if that word 'love' has action attached to it, because we can all 'love' the idea of purity, but when the actual battle is put down, i wonder how many of us try to do it on our own. i know i have.

the idea of something and the actual substance can be blurred quite frequently, but i don't think they are ever meant to. whose speech is gracious? goodness, i am far from this. but i don't want to be. incline your ear and hear the words of the wise.

i just want wisdom. i want to dig deep into the trenches of my life and the lives that i am surrounded by, and just have wisdom for anything that would be thrown at me, or that i would be put in. i work in 3 very different environments, and usually every day, there are choices that need to be made. i'm not speaking executively either.

i'm talking about the choice to join a conversation that has to do with trash talking someone. purity of heart bingo. we love the idea of it, but our humanity cries out for that one give-in to speak ill against a brother or sister because that is so easy. takes no effort. but i still love the idea of purity.

the dichotomy of humanity is mind boggling. i've decided to not attempt understanding because i feel like there's always going to be another door to be opened, and therefore, entering into another room that extends to another hallway, and the cycle just goes.

i want wisdom. 2011 needs to be a year where wisdom just abounds. this is what i am aiming for.

"Blessed are all your saints, my God and King! who have through travail and in peace of soul all traveled within the ship with you, the tempestuous sea of morality, and have, at last, made the desired port of peace and of felicity! O, cast a gracious eye upon us who are in our dangerous voyage still! Remember, succor us in our distress, think of those who lie exposed to the rough storms of troubles and temptations! Strengthen our weakness in your strength, that valiantly we may do your will in this spiritual battle. Help us against our own negligence, our cowardice, defend us from the treachery of our unfaithful hearts. We are exceedingly frail, and indisposed to every virtuous and gallant undertaking. Grant, O Lord, that we may bring our vessel safe to shore, into our desired haven, Lord. Amen."
- Augustine.

wisdom.

i had a lot of time to think today. to ponder, if you will.

wisdom. i could really use this a lot as of lately. i follow my heart more than the Spirit; and i wonder if there will be a day where those two will work hand in hand. that is my desire, i think. to have my inner man (woman, ahem) coincide with the Spirit. i think it is a place that i can reach, but not on my own. to even try and attempt, would take... wisdom.

Jesus is so wise. i mean, the man is brilliant. in his speech, in his delivery of his words. all that. so powerful.

i mean, he likens a generation to children playing in a marketplace. who can even do that? and make sense while doing it?

my downfall is not thinking before i do something or say something. i believe my silence is more truthful than a mouthful of words. just trying to put that belief into action. because, wisdom is justified by her deeds.

what i fear.

If you think you are too important to help someone, then you are just fooling yourself.

I fear that we, as Christians, no matter how counter culture we try to be, love to be labeled. Because if I am not THAT, then certainly, I am THIS.

My understanding is better than yours, clearly, because of who I read or discussions I take part in, or... anything along those lines.

Truthfully, I believe it is detestable in the eyes of God.

We jump out of one box, and straight into another. Pride.

It is the ultimate blindfold that makes us think we are on the road to safety because our ways of masking straight up hatred and for lack of better term, insecurity, have truly convinced us that we are better than the next guy.

For real, who are we? Who am I? Have we all forgotten that the Son of Man, who had NO BUSINESS in taking pleasure and love in us, has done this? Us, the worst of them all. Paul says that so clearly in his letters; he the worst sinner of them all, yet Christ came down and took notice of his life.

Have we forgotten that we are all to pose the same question in the face of Almighty God?

"Who is man, that you are mindful of him?"

Yet, we tend to reverse the question and ask man, "Why should I be mindful of you?" Because we have filled our minds to the brim and have calculated the algebra of God out, because we have finally figured out what the variable is... yet, our horizontal relationships have fallen to the wayside.

The very thing that Christ left in our hands, we basically have said: HOLD ON. Simply placing it to the side because of what certain theologians (mere men) have decided and called truth.

I am guilty; absolutely. However, I am reminded so clearly sometimes of how ugly this looks.

fill us with your grace.

I am not one to openly wine about things. I don't see a reason to. In passing, sometimes I'll say something under my breath, or if I know you well enough, you know how I feel about certain things that not necessarily anyone else knows. But lately, people have been getting on my nerves. One in particular. Nothing I do is good enough. I absolutely hate taking on that attitude, but this is the truth. I have been working on a project, and literally every time I "finish" it, there is something else to be done. Something that isn't the way they want it. All this jazz. I'm frankly getting upset about it...

I have never been reprimanded; no one ever says my work isn't good enough. Maybe it's a wake up call. We could always use one. My heart is not always in the right place, and I know this. I think it'd be a scary place to be if I thought my heart was always right; or better yet, if I was always right. None of us are entitled, and when I am approached like that... I get a little upset. Offended, maybe. Which would result in the idea/truth that I haven't died to myself yet. Which, I get.

"Help me boast in my condition: You're the God and I'm the man."

Sounds funny reading that, "I'm the man." But... this is the truth. He is God, we are man. This is our condition; our condition of weakness. It's the truth. I don't know how to deal with these people on my own. I'm getting a bit frustrated, too.

I need grace, either way.

There is so much to be aware of in our lives.

The things we take for granted. The things we don't take for granted. People we take for granted. God, whom we take for granted. All these things that we take for granted.

I don't want to take things for granted anymore. I don't want to build my paradigms around objects that are bound to change and shift, therefore changing my own paradigms and emotions, feelings, etc. We successfully build attachments in our lives that we psych ourselves into believing that we cannot live without. Attachments that we were never created to be attached to. Once attached, we then just build... and continue to build. Until they become our god. Seriously. Think of something in your life that you are attached to. Probably isn't God. Knowledge ABOUT God and our actual Savior are two different things.

I don't know that I want to live in a state of: what would my life feel like without God, because in reality, there are PEOPLE in my life that I think about like that... and I get really sad. I don't think I think about God like that, but in some weird sense, I want to have that fear (reverence, kinda) of... God, where are you today and how can I find you?

I am so human. A reoccuring theme in my life as of lately. I am so human. It hurts to truly examine who I am; total depravity, if you will. Which is why I am truly nothing without God; and whatever good is in me, is due Him. I was reading Hosea tonight and how God spoke about Israel really stirred my heart; how they ran after unrighteousness and became just like the very thing that they loved. What they loved was not good; quite the opposite. How often do I run after anything but God, and somehow, whatever malicious or human-like quality that comes along with it, I pine after.

Attachments come, and they go. And when they leave, they leave us with feelings of loss because we have built so much around them. God, however, doesn't come and go. In fact, the true voice of the Father, when they see their child run and do their own thing, a good father will carry the attitude and assurance that their child will return. The opposite is... well, the opposite. Hopes that they won't return, and shake their fist.

Really just want to listen to the voice of the Father. He knows our hearts, our deepest fears; yet through His love, all these things rest in His hands.

on the rim of the visible world, we go.

"For our God, need no place, a cathedral."

I listen to this song over and over again, as it talks about (in reference to the Native American religion) their gods not needing a cathedral, or man made building to house their "Great Spirit" because he, to them, dwells in everything. What a thought. Then the white man came in, and began to build houses, and buildings and contraptions to "house their God," and this made no sense to the Natives. Rightfully so, I would say. Our God, need no less a place, a cathedral. Our Scripture is clear that God dwells on the inside of man, not in some man made building that would supposedly hedge God in, a place where He was never meant to be hedged in the first place. As we have done this, we have created a place for God, rather than letting Him have full reign over everything. Our minds have compartmentalized God, not only in our actions, but in our literal places of worship. Perhaps the deepest, most sincere form of worship is not that of structure, but that of formlessness.

I picked up Augustine (for all of you non-savy theologians, the proper pronounciation is: Aug-uhhs-stin. I just learned this, so I don't want everyone to look as ignorant as I did, ha) and his confessions, and the first few pages have just been mind blowing. Still a bit hard to follow because I can't tell when he is quoting Scripture or commentating on it. However, it begins off with this:

"'You are great, Lord, and highly to be praised (Ps. 47:2): great is your power and your wisdom is immeasurable' (Ps. 146:5)

SIDE NOTE: Nothing, when in reference to God is ever measurable. He is the ultimate superceding in everything in life, yet man literally tries to put a condition on Him. I mean, even starting off with the actual church building. I don't know why I'm so hung up on this this morning. I understand MAN needs a place to commune, but GOD does not.

"Man, a little piece of your creation, desires to praise you, a human being 'bearing his mortality with him' (2 Cor. 4:10), carrying with him the witness of his sin and the witness that you 'resist the proud' (1 Peter 5:5). Nevertheless, to praise you is the desire of man, a little piece of your creation. YOU STIR MAN TO TAKE PLEASURE IN PRAISING YOU, BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE US FOR YOURSELF, AND OUR HEART IS RESTLESS UNTIL IT RESTS IN YOU."

The desire for God has been placed in our hearts BY God. I do not believe that there is a formula to try and understand this incredible truth and concept. The minute I start to figure it out and stick a label on it, I have lost the mystery; the unknowing; the ability to close my eyes and just walk, rather than being afraid of hitting something along the way. A child knows nothing of what could happen if they walk into a room that is dark; yet an adult automatically turns the lights on.

Truth is, we are urged and challenged to trust in God. It is not a suggestion made by Him, rather a charge. "Trust God!" John makes that clear in his rendition of Scripture. Even in the darkness (I hate using that word, it's so cliche), would it be too much for us to believe or even think that sometimes, the darkness will not lift so that God can truly just guide us by the hand and ask us honestly, if we would trust Him enough to walk through it.

Morning is a promise, and so while we are afraid it will not come, it will.

there comes a time in life, every once and a while when newness looses its newness. shine becomes dull. excitement becomes mundane. new becomes familiar. surprising because typical. i seem to hit this more than i'd like, and i believe i have crossed this bridge again. not exactly apathy, but a close relative. like, i'm over it. it seems silly to be fighting for something i've truthfully forgotten what for. wasting energy on something that i once knew, i don't know that i do anymore.

thank you, God, for never telling me a lie. and for always, always making all things new.

A sudden presence of peace has just overwhelmed me. Not brought on by man, or by circumstances. I was reading Matthew this morning in church, and Matthew 1:21 stood out to me. "His name will be Jesus, and He will take on the sins of the world."

We have completely missed this. Going past all the hype, all the crazy.

My entire LIFE is in His hands. Why do I even worry...